Tuesday, October 10, 2006


99 % OF WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO BE AN I.T. PROFESSIONAL

DEALING WITH MANAGEMENT

ALWAYS MAKE SURE THE BIG BOSS’S COMPUTER OPERATES. EVEN IF ALL PRODUCTIVITY CEASES AND THE COMPANY IS IN RUINS MAKE SURE HE/SHE CAN GET ON THE INTERNET. THAT’S WHAT THEY USE IT FOR. A DEDICATED T-1 LINE IS RECOMMENDED.

WHEN ASKED WHAT YOU NEED TO SET UP AN IT DEPARTMENT: DEMAND GREAT AIR CONDITIONING, LOTS OF MONEY AND MUMBLE A STRING OF INCOMPREHENSIBLE ACRONYMS.

MAKE A POLICY: ALL PASSWORDS SHOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO REMEMBER. NO PASSWORD SHOULD EVER BE WRITTEN DOWN.
THAT WILL KEEP PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

ALWAYS REMEMBER: ALL ERRORS ARE USER ERRORS. IF PEOPLE WERE NOT USING THE COMPUTER THERE WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN AN ERROR.

COMMUNICATION
NEVER COMMUNICATE WITH THE USER. IF THEY ASK A QUESTION MUMBLE A SERIES OF INCOMPREHENSIBLE ACRONYMS . IF THEY INSIST ON AN ANSWER ASK IF THEY HAVE CLEANED THEIR MOUSE’S BALLS WITH ALCOHOL. ESCAPE IN THE ENSUING CONFUSION.


NEVER ANSWER THE PHONE.

NEVER ANSWER E MAILS.

NEVER ANSWER VOICE MAILS.

NEVER ATTEND MEETINGS UNLESS THE BIG BOSS IS THERE. IF YOU MUST ATTEND A MEETING BRING SOME OVERHEADS SHOWING THAT USER SATISFACTION AND PRODUCTIVITY HAS STEADILY IMPROVED SINCE YOU JOINED THE COMPANY. THERE ARE SEVERAL EASY TO USE SOFTWARE PACKAGES AVAILABLE TO FAKE THIS FOR YOU. MUMBLE A SERIES OF INCOMPREHENSIBLE ACRONYMS . ARRANGE TO HAVE SOMEONE BEEP YOU AND CALL YOUR CELL PHONE EVERY TWO MINUTES. LEAVE EARLY BEFORE TASKS ARE ASSIGNED.

GENERATE AT LEAST THIRTY MEMOS A DAY FILLED WITH INCOMPREHENSIBLE ACRONYMS. COPY EVERYONE.
THERE ARE SEVERAL EASY TO USE SOFTWARE PACKAGES AVAILABLE TO FAKE THIS FOR YOU.

COME IN LATE ON A SUNDAY NIGHT AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH, LEAVE EVERYONE WHO COUNTS A VOICE MAIL MESSAGE WITH TIME STAMP SO THEY KNOW YOU WERE THERE. THIS IS ALSO AN EXCELLENT OPPORTUNITY TO PILFER CHANGE ETC FROM YOUR CO-WORKERS DESKS.

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS A QUESTION ABOUT WINDOWS ON THEIR HOME COMPUTER. LOOK AT THEM LIKE THEY ARE A PIECE OF EXCREMENT ON YOUR SHOE AND SAY YOU USE LINUX. ESCAPE IN DURING THE ENSUING CONFUSION.

PROFESSIONAL GROWTH
HIRE A SMART GUY FROM INDIA ON A SIX MONTH WORK VISA TO DO ALL YOUR WORK. CHANGE OFTEN.


SPEND AT LEAST SIX HOURS A DAY SHOPPING YOUR RESUME.

NEVER STAY OVER NINETEEN MONTHS AT ANY COMPANY. STUDIES HAVE SHOWN THAT AFTER THIS TIME THE CHANCES OF PEOPLE DISCOVERING THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE A CLUE INCREASE AT AN EXPONENTIAL RATE.

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